Winter Dormancy

After a brief hiatus (it seemed brief for me anyway), I finally have the time and the energy to get back to writing and put up some new posts.  Look for something substantial in the next week or so.  In the meantime, enjoy some photos I snapped while summer came to a close.

Back Alley Beauties

 Weeds

Flowers really have no problem flaunting their goods out in the open.  In fact, it’s pretty much all they ever do.  And while many people arrange their front lawns and flower beds like botanical brothels, I find that sometimes the prettiest ones are the weeds working the street corners and back alleys.  

“Weed” is an extremely relative term that basically refers to a plant that you don’t want.  Generally it’s directed towards plants that can cause damage or become invasive (I’m sure there’s a hooker joke in that sentence somewhere).  However, even the most hated of weeds are remarkably useful.  Both dandelions and thistles are edible, and clover can be a very beneficial cover crop to improve soil quality and prevent erosion.  All three of these plants are also quite beautiful, but their propensity to propagate gives them a reputation as plants with loose morals and they often crop up in inappropriate areas (like the trunk of your car.  What, that’s never happened to you?  Uh…me neither…)

And so, I combed an empty lot and some alleys to snap some sex.  Naturally, like anyone blatantly picking up hookers, I was visited by the police.  A casual encounter to be sure – I was, after all, huddled near the edge of a parking lot for quite some time.  I indicated that my camera didn’t dispense heroin, and went on my merry way to photograph pornography in public.  The life of a weed is seedy indeed!

Thistles 

Thistles are a biennial plant, which means they only flower in their second year of growth.  Additionally most people do their level best to remove or poison these plants as soon as possible, so it’s not really very often that you get to see one in its full glory.  These pokey plants are a horrible bitch to pull (especially without some serious gloves), and yet when it blooms it’s quite striking. 

   

 Thistles are like a sexy librarian.  They’re prickly in their demeanor and kind of annoying to have around.  But if you get to know her and she lets her hair down, you’re rewarded with large, supple, purple, frilly explosions that are dripping with pollen.  

The national flower of Scotland is the thistle.  

“According to a legend, an invading Norse army was attempting to sneak up at night upon a Scottish army's encampment. During this operation one barefoot Norseman had the misfortune to step upon a thistle, causing him to cry out in pain, thus alerting Scots to the presence of the Norse invaders.”  (Wikipedia)

What sticks out here is the fact that the silly Viking wasn’t wearing shoes.  The lesson to take away is that when dealing with weeds, always wear protection!  That’s a condom joke for all you slower types, but in retrospect condoms and thistles don’t mix well.  

Most parts of a thistle are edible.  The taproots can be devoured raw or roasted.  The central stalk once stripped of leaves and nasty bits can make a juicy treat for a lost camper or a survival nut (or someone with an oral fixation).  One should also keep in mind that artichokes are essentially a type of thistle (same family), and therefore immature flower buds can be steamed, peeled and eaten.  (Willard) 

Finally, it’s worth mentioning that thistles do have the potential to become invasive.  They produce tons of seeds which spread easily.   One thistle on your street corner is probably easily ignored, but next thing you know there’s a whole field of weeds in booty shorts ambling around waiting to be mowed and scaring away all the reasonable plants.  This is why most people take steps to ensure the gentrification of their gardens.  However, I wouldn’t discriminate against these flowers entirely.  Butterflies enjoy the blooms, so they might be an acceptable addition to a garden that has an eye towards attracting such things.  But if you’re going to bring a thistle to the party, take steps to make sure she doesn’t bring friends.

Clover 

Go outside right now and find the nearest patch of green.  There’s a pretty good chance there’s some clover in there.  This saucy minx is abundant and ubiquitous.  Golf courses hate her, bees love her, and everyone else is more or less indifferent.  She is literally a wallflower, noticed only by those whose presence she affects directly.  The rest of us just walk all over her.  Clover is a helpful and modestly pretty gal….with a bacterial colony in her roots.  Now before you start reaching for the Monistat I should probably explain.

 Clover is a legume, and while it doesn’t produce edible pods like peas it brings another leguminous benefit to the table – nitrogen fixing.    Plants require nitrogen as a macro-nutrient.  However, on average there is only about 2 tons of nitrogen per acre (usually less) in the soil (Stern).  Our air on the other hand is mostly nitrogen*, although it’s chemically inert and completely unavailable.  Legumes have figured out that by hanging out with bacteria that can convert atmospheric nitrogen into ammonia, they can benefit and grow just about anywhere. This makes clover an extremely well suited cover crop or living mulch.  It prevents erosion, helps retain moisture and improves soil quality.  

All parts of clover are edible and the flowers are very attractive to bees.  So what’s not to like?  Well they tend to get a little possessive and take over once you let them into your space.  The seeds can persist in the soil for quite some time, and germinate readily.   They also spread through underground rhizomes (sort of like runners on a strawberry but under the ground).  Clover is the type of weed that will make you a sandwich and  pretend to be your date, but ever since that one time you paid for her she’s been hanging around outside your building and you’re considering calling the cops.

Dandelion

A tasty salad green.  A healthful tea.  A beautiful flower.  An attractor of beneficial insects.  A menace to lawn owners.  A plaything for children.  The dandelion is incredibly underutilized in our modern lives.  It grows everywhere, and most homeowners go out of their way to destroy and remove it.  They could be eating free salads all day, but they’d much rather cultivate a perfect square of useless grass and then go out and PAY for dandelion tea and greens (Apartment dwellers can go ahead and not feel bad about purchasing those things.  I wouldn’t recommend picking dandelions unless you know they’re pesticide free).  But I digress.

Dandelions are plucky little flowers. They have a long taproot (much like thistles) that make them hard to pull, and spread their seeds quickly and often (up to 172 seeds per head [Wikipedia]).  This is how they garnered a reputation for getting around. But don't take this as slut shaming!  The dandelion really is a wonderful plant...who also just happens to like penetrating as many lawns as possible.

Dandelions are actually perennial plants, meaning they come back every year from their aforementioned taproot.  They’re kind of like genital warts for your lawn – you’ve got to kill the root!  The seeds can remain in the soil for many years and still be able to germinate.  A dandelion is the promiscuous hot collage chick.  She has good taste, sexy yellow hair and a cool attitude.  But once you hook up you’re going to have a daily reminder right in the middle of your front lawn.

Pretty Women

There are many other weeds not mentioned here that have vivacious blooms and can be edible or medicinal.  Even the ugliest weed is still prettier than Julia Roberts, and if Richard Gere can fall in love with that then I’m sure you can find beauty in a dandelion.  You can love a thistle without giving it access to your credit card.  And if you don’t mind playing sloppy seconds to a honey bee, I’m sure a patch of clover would provide a welcoming embrace for you and your picnic lunch.  So next time you see a weed addicted to the crack in your sidewalk, stop and smell the invasive species.  Admire her puckish tenacity before you blast it with roundup, and maybe have a salad instead.

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Sources:

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taraxacum_officinale

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thistle 

Ph.D., Terry Willard. Edible and Medicinal Plants of the Rocky Mountains and Neighbouring Territories. Calgary, Alberta: Wild Rose College of Natural Healing, 1992.

Stern, Kingsley, James E. Bidlack and Shelley H. Jansky. Introductory Plant Biology, Edition Eleven. McGraw-Hill, 2006.

ALL PHOTOGRAPHS TAKEN BY, AND ARE THE PROPERTY OF,  J. CRANDALL

Sex Ed: Anatomy lesson Part I

 Flowers

I understand you may have had some encounters with flowers already.  You may have smelled some roses, perhaps even blown a dandelion or two.  So before you get too serious, there are a few things you should know.  The time has come in your life for you to learn your way around a plant.  Please, keep the giggling to a minimum.  

"Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina"                                                                                     "Tanks for da tip"

Flowers have either male parts, female parts, or both.  When it’s one or the other they are referred to as “imperfect” flowers and a flower that swings both ways is referred to as a “perfect” or “complete” flower.  These parts generally serve the same function as their human counterparts – to facilitate sex.  The male parts produce pollen and sperm which, when in contact with the female organs, cause fertilization and subsequently a baby (seeds/fruit).  Pretty simple, right?  Good, now let’s get to some nudity.

Please.  Be mature.

Flowers are connected to the rest of the plant by a short stem called a peduncle.  While it does sound like a portmanteau of “pedophile uncle”, the peduncle serves no real sexual purpose.  It does contain circulatory (vascular) tissue that keeps the juices flowing to the sexy bits but we’ll cover fluids later.

Moving upwards is the Calyx (Kay-licks or Cal-icks).  The calyx is the term for the leafy bits that cover the flower when it is still closed in a bud (individually they are known as sepals).  When the flower opens, it rolls back and reveals the more sensitive parts of the flower.  In this way, it is much like a foreskin except for a plant.  Often they are left behind even when the flower sets fruit.  You may recognize the calyx as the leafy part on a strawberry.  At this point I feel like I should have a suggestive picture of a strawberry with heavy felatio connotations, but that’s too easy.

Next we have the petals, which are the delicate, showy, outer tissue that surrounds the sex organs.  Much like the labia, they can be lip-like (labia comes from the word “labium” which means lip [wikipedia]), showy, prominent or barely there.  Flower petals attract pollinators, directing them to the parts your peduncle isn’t supposed to touch. 

Kiss from a rose....  Who is over 18, I swear.

This leads us to the eponymous Stamens and pistils.  These are the sex organs.  The penis and the vagina. The pistil is the female bit.  It has three main parts – the stigma, the style, and the ovary.  The stigma is literally a pollen receptacle and the style is the bit that connects the stigma to the ovary.   The ovary is the swollen base of the pistil, contains the ovules and when it is fertilized it swells to become a fruit which contains seeds.  The pistil is basically a (nearly) complete analogue for a vagina.  

On the left, a vagina.  On the right, an upside down pistil.

Yes, this will be on the exam.

Meanwhile we have the stamens.  They are phallic and blow loads of pollen everywhere.  They have two parts, the anther (the head) and the filament (the shaft).  That might be overly simplistic but its all we need to know.  Confused by jargon yet?  Here’s a requisite sex ed. diagram.  

Female (pistil) structures are labeled in pink.  Male (stamen) structures in black.

That’s essentially your basic anatomy of a flower.  Flowers vary wildly, and it can be difficult to identify even the most basic structures.  Some flowers have only male parts, some have only female parts.  Some flowers have both.  Some flowers have big long pistils, some have tiny stamens.  Sometimes sepals look like petals.  Sometimes everything looks like nothing you’ve seen before and you just give up completely.  Most importantly though, each flower is unique and beautiful in its own right and fulfils an important purpose in a plants life.  Reproduction.  

And now that I’ve tried to instill you with a sense of self confidence regarding the nature of natures’ genitals, I will leave you to your notes and your uncomfortable feelings.  Oh and that bit of plant porn earlier that looked like a vagina?  That’s a begonia.  You’re welcome.

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Picture sources

http://www.osovo.com/diagram/vaginadiagram.htm

http://greenspade.com/pistil-pis%C2%B7til

References

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labia

All unsourced photographs taken by J.Crandall

Exposition

Pornography

I am a horticulturist and I like porn. But then again, not too many people actually dislike it.  The internet is a testament to that.  In 2005 it was estimated that more than half of all the spending on the internet is directed towards sexual endeavors (Kinsey institute).  It’s a massive industry that predates computers, but was revolutionized by their development and subsequent connectivity.   Anyone with a computer can access all varieties of porn quickly, at any time, and for free.  This is especially true if you don’t mind risking being kicked out of your local coffee shop in the interest of amateur inter-racial cuckolding. 

I am (barely) old enough to remember a time before the internet was in every home.   At that age, it was the wild west for porn.  Finding an old magazine in a park was like winning the male pre-pubescent jerk off lottery.   On Friday nights, one stayed up as late as possible to sniff out late night cable porn.  I consider this time crucial in the development of my memory.  As these images were sometimes far between, it was important to burn them into your mind for future recall.

But then, the internet!  A glorious new world was opened.  The screaming sound of dial up was like a twisted angelic fanfare announcing a cavalcade of filth and sexual deviancy.  While it was in fact easier to find, a young dude still had to be wiley in this age.  Simple pictures lurched into existence a few centimeters at a time, and videos were a completely different matter.  Much of the time, internet porn was relegated to entire afternoons where you had the house to yourself and prayed for no phone calls.

Kids today have it easy.  They can have porn on their phone if they so choose.  In fact, pornography has become so pervasive that 42% of all adolescent internet users have been exposed to porn, and 66% of those exposures were described as “unwanted” (Kinsey institute).  Unwanted!  When I was that age, every male peer I knew was literally searching it out.  This shift in exposure raises obvious concerns and questions, but I will leave you to mull over the ramifications of this on your own time.

Not just for people!

Thanks largely to marketing campaigns, blogs, foodies, hipsters and fat people; “food porn” is actually a thing.  The same goes for cars, toys, bookshelves and basically anything you want.  Amassing a collection of high quality coffee table pictures is as easy as typing “coffee table pictures” into Google.  But I think the word porn is thrown around too loosely.  Coffee table “porn” isn’t really porn because as a whole coffee tables are not sexual.   Pornography according to Wikipedia is “the explicit portrayal of sexual subject matter” (Wikipedia).   Miriam Webster provides an alternate definition that could be applicable to, say, a rock collection.  It is as follows: “the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction”.  I personally don’t like that definition because I’ve come to realise that connotation is important, and the word pornography has definite and heavy sexual connotations.  So we’ll go with Wikipedia on this one and I will go out on a limb and say that it’s not a word I would apply to objects on their own.

You might say that food is sexual, or cars even.  But a hotdog has no sexual parts and isn’t capable of independent acts of sexuality with other hotdogs.  Showing a picture of a perfect juicy hotdog isn’t “food porn”, it’s just food.   Masturbating with a hotdog is a whole other thing.  A car can have sexual undertones, connotations, and can even be a venue for sex or porn.  But do I watch a sexy car commercial and say “look at that car porn”?  No, because it’s not explicitly sexual.  All of the sexuality in both cases is usually implied.  The subject matter (cars and food) is, of itself, not sexual.   The way they are portrayed is, at best, erotica.  Pornography should focus on the act of sex.

But plants.  Plants are sexual.  Plants engage in constant sex acts that involve explicit and intimate contact with each other, themselves, and other organisms in a completely different kingdom.   They have sexual parts that engage one another, are distinctly male or female, and are involved in reproduction.  And as a whole, plants are beautiful.  Entire industries have been built out of producing, selling and demanding beautiful plants.  Usually these plants are full of colour and scent that often have literal sexual meaning in both the plant world and ours.  A flower is produced as a reproductive structure from the plant point of view.  Meanwhile, ethnocentrically, flowers are given intimate meaning when gifted to another person or arranged for certain occasions.  Weddings, break ups, first dates, valentine’s day, just to name a few.   

There are many comparisons that can be made between plants and humans.  Our worlds have been intertwined since day one.  Separately, both plants and humans have also both made sex a priority in life.    Neither plants nor people would be around in such great numbers if it wasn’t for frequent sexual activity.  These concepts will be engaged in the future.  But at its core, what you are visiting is plant porn.  Pictures of plants with their (not so) private parts out.  Plants engaging in sex.  Plants flashing passers-by with their colourful organs in full public view.  Big fat cones and seductive bracts.  And you can bet there will be plant on mammal action too.  So put on your best leather (gardening gloves), whip up your best botanical fantasy and prepare to be pollenated all night long.  There’s porn to be had.

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Sources:

http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html#internet 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornography