Weeds
Flowers really have no problem flaunting their goods out in
the open. In fact, it’s pretty much all
they ever do. And while many people
arrange their front lawns and flower beds like botanical brothels, I find that
sometimes the prettiest ones are the weeds working the street corners and back
alleys.
“Weed” is an extremely relative term that basically refers
to a plant that you don’t want.
Generally it’s directed towards plants that can cause damage or become
invasive (I’m sure there’s a hooker joke in that sentence somewhere). However, even the most hated of weeds are
remarkably useful. Both dandelions and
thistles are edible, and clover can be a very beneficial cover crop to improve
soil quality and prevent erosion. All
three of these plants are also quite beautiful, but their propensity to
propagate gives them a reputation as plants with loose morals and they often
crop up in inappropriate areas (like the trunk of your car. What, that’s never happened to you? Uh…me neither…)
And so, I combed an empty lot and some alleys to snap some
sex. Naturally, like anyone blatantly
picking up hookers, I was visited by the police. A casual encounter to be sure – I was, after
all, huddled near the edge of a parking lot for quite some time. I indicated that my camera didn’t dispense
heroin, and went on my merry way to photograph pornography in public. The life of a weed is seedy indeed!
Thistles
Thistles are a biennial plant, which means they only flower
in their second year of growth.
Additionally most people do their level best to remove or poison these
plants as soon as possible, so it’s not really very often that you get to see
one in its full glory. These pokey plants
are a horrible bitch to pull (especially without some serious gloves), and yet
when it blooms it’s quite striking.
Thistles are like a sexy librarian. They’re prickly in their demeanor and kind of
annoying to have around. But if you get
to know her and she lets her hair down, you’re rewarded with large, supple,
purple, frilly explosions that are dripping with pollen.
The national flower of Scotland is the thistle.
“According to a legend, an invading Norse army was
attempting to sneak up at night upon a Scottish army's encampment. During this
operation one barefoot Norseman had the misfortune to step upon a thistle,
causing him to cry out in pain, thus alerting Scots to the presence of the
Norse invaders.” (Wikipedia)
What sticks out here is the fact that the silly Viking
wasn’t wearing shoes. The lesson to take
away is that when dealing with weeds, always wear protection! That’s a condom joke for all you slower
types, but in retrospect condoms and thistles don’t mix well.
Most parts of a thistle are edible. The taproots can be devoured raw or
roasted. The central stalk once stripped
of leaves and nasty bits can make a juicy treat for a lost camper or a survival
nut (or someone with an oral fixation).
One should also keep in mind that artichokes are essentially a type of
thistle (same family), and therefore immature flower buds can be steamed,
peeled and eaten. (Willard)
Finally, it’s worth mentioning that thistles do have the
potential to become invasive. They
produce tons of seeds which spread easily.
One thistle on your street corner is probably easily ignored, but next
thing you know there’s a whole field of weeds in booty shorts ambling around
waiting to be mowed and scaring away all the reasonable plants. This is why most people take steps to ensure
the gentrification of their gardens.
However, I wouldn’t discriminate against these flowers entirely. Butterflies enjoy the blooms, so they might
be an acceptable addition to a garden that has an eye towards attracting such
things. But if you’re going to bring a
thistle to the party, take steps to make sure she doesn’t bring friends.
Clover
Go outside right now and find the nearest patch of
green. There’s a pretty good chance
there’s some clover in there. This saucy
minx is abundant and ubiquitous. Golf
courses hate her, bees love her, and everyone else is more or less
indifferent. She is literally a
wallflower, noticed only by those whose presence she affects directly. The rest of us just walk all over her. Clover is a helpful and modestly pretty
gal….with a bacterial colony in her roots.
Now before you start reaching for the Monistat I should probably
explain.
Clover is a legume, and while it doesn’t produce edible pods
like peas it brings another leguminous benefit to the table – nitrogen
fixing. Plants require nitrogen as a
macro-nutrient. However, on average
there is only about 2 tons of nitrogen per acre (usually less) in the soil
(Stern). Our air on the other hand is
mostly nitrogen*, although it’s chemically inert and completely
unavailable. Legumes have figured out
that by hanging out with bacteria that can convert atmospheric nitrogen into
ammonia, they can benefit and grow just about anywhere. This makes clover an
extremely well suited cover crop or living mulch. It prevents erosion, helps retain moisture
and improves soil quality.
All parts of clover are edible and the flowers are very
attractive to bees. So what’s not to
like? Well they tend to get a little
possessive and take over once you let them into your space. The seeds can persist in the soil for quite
some time, and germinate readily. They
also spread through underground rhizomes (sort of like runners on a strawberry
but under the ground). Clover is the
type of weed that will make you a sandwich and
pretend to be your date, but ever since that one time you paid for her
she’s been hanging around outside your building and you’re considering calling
the cops.
Dandelion
A tasty salad green.
A healthful tea. A beautiful
flower. An attractor of beneficial
insects. A menace to lawn owners. A plaything for children. The dandelion is incredibly underutilized in
our modern lives. It grows everywhere,
and most homeowners go out of their way to destroy and remove it. They could be eating free salads all day, but
they’d much rather cultivate a perfect square of useless grass and then go out
and PAY for dandelion tea and greens (Apartment dwellers can go ahead and not
feel bad about purchasing those things.
I wouldn’t recommend picking dandelions unless you know they’re
pesticide free). But I digress.
Dandelions are plucky little flowers. They have a long
taproot (much like thistles) that make them hard to pull, and spread their
seeds quickly and often (up to 172 seeds per head [Wikipedia]). This is how they garnered a reputation for getting around. But don't take this as slut shaming! The dandelion really is a wonderful plant...who also just happens to like penetrating as many lawns as possible.
Dandelions are actually perennial plants, meaning they come
back every year from their aforementioned taproot. They’re kind of like genital warts for your
lawn – you’ve got to kill the root! The
seeds can remain in the soil for many years and still be able to
germinate. A dandelion is the
promiscuous hot collage chick. She has
good taste, sexy yellow hair and a cool attitude. But once you hook up you’re going to have a
daily reminder right in the middle of your front lawn.
Pretty Women
There are many other weeds not mentioned here that have
vivacious blooms and can be edible or medicinal. Even the ugliest weed is still prettier than
Julia Roberts, and if Richard Gere can fall in love with that then I’m sure you
can find beauty in a dandelion. You can
love a thistle without giving it access to your credit card. And if you don’t mind playing sloppy seconds
to a honey bee, I’m sure a patch of clover would provide a welcoming embrace
for you and your picnic lunch. So next
time you see a weed addicted to the crack in your sidewalk, stop and smell the invasive
species. Admire her puckish tenacity
before you blast it with roundup, and maybe have a salad instead.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Sources:
Ph.D., Terry Willard. Edible and Medicinal Plants
of the Rocky Mountains and Neighbouring Territories. Calgary, Alberta: Wild
Rose College of Natural Healing, 1992.
Stern, Kingsley, James E. Bidlack and Shelley H.
Jansky. Introductory Plant Biology, Edition Eleven. McGraw-Hill, 2006.
ALL PHOTOGRAPHS TAKEN BY, AND ARE THE PROPERTY OF, J. CRANDALL
